Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation: Why Calm Is a Shared Experience

We often hear that we need to learn to self-regulate. To stay calm, centred, and in control no matter what is happening around us. But that idea is only half true. Understanding self-regulation vs co-regulation helps explain why calm is rarely created alone.

Humans do not regulate in isolation. From infancy through adulthood, our ability to manage stress, emotions, and energy depends on connection. We are constantly co-regulating with the people and environments around us.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to manage our thoughts, emotions, and behaviour in ways that help us reach our goals. It is often described as a sign of maturity, a skill we should all master.

In therapy, clients sometimes say they struggle with self-regulation. They try breathing techniques, mindfulness, or self-talk but still feel reactive or overwhelmed. These strategies can help, but they are only part of the picture.

What is co-regulation?

Co-regulation means managing emotional and physical states through connection with others or with the environment.

The UNC Frank Porter Graham Institute explains that “self-regulation develops through interaction with caregivers and is dependent on predictable, responsive, and supportive environments.”

That pattern never disappears. As adults, our nervous systems still rely on external cues such as tone of voice, body language, physical space, and rhythm to find balance.

The science behind co-regulation

Neuroscientist Allan Schore describes emotional regulation as a two-person process, a subtle synchrony between nervous systems (Schore, 2022).

Developmental psychologist Edward Tronick showed this through his still-face experiments. Infants and caregivers constantly adjust to one another’s signals. When that feedback loop breaks, distress rises. When it is restored, calm returns.

These findings remind us that the ability to self-soothe is built from early relationships. Even as adults, we continue to regulate through interaction with people, places, and patterns of safety.

The role of the environment

Our surroundings play an active role in regulation.

Think about how your body reacts in different places. A busy café might energise one person and overwhelm another. A quiet room, a favourite song, or a view of the sky can change your internal state.

Researchers studying learning environments describe co-regulation as “the dynamic processes through which self-regulation and shared regulation are supported and thwarted” (Hadwin, Järvelä, & Miller, 2018).

Changing your environment is not avoidance. It is intelligent regulation.

Connection calms the nervous system

According to Polyvagal Theory, our bodies detect safety through connection. The Polyvagal Institute notes that “safety, co-regulation, and connection are paramount to a healthy human experience.”

A steady voice, soft light, or supportive presence can shift your nervous system faster than effort or self-discipline ever will.

How therapy can help

Therapy provides structured co-regulation. In the room, the psychologist’s tone, pacing, and attention create a stable environment where new patterns of regulation can form. Over time, these patterns become internal reference points you can use outside the session.

At Equal Psychology, we see self-regulation not as independence from others but as awareness of influence. When you understand what soothes, steadies, or overstimulates you, you can make choices that support your wellbeing through connection rather than control.

Key takeaway

Self-regulation and co-regulation are not opposites. They work together. Awareness helps you recognise what supports balance, and connection helps you sustain it.

When we understand self-regulation vs co-regulation, we stop blaming ourselves for struggling alone and start seeing connection as part of the process.

Regulation is not something you do alone. It is something you do with.

References

• UNC Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute (2020). Co-Regulation from Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief.

• Schore, A. N. (2022). Right brain psychotherapy. Annals of General Psychiatry.

• Tronick, E. Z. (1989). Emotions and emotional communication in infants. American Psychologist, 44(2), 112–119.

• Hadwin, A. F., Järvelä, S., & Miller, M. (2018). Self-regulation, co-regulation, and shared regulation in collaborative learning environments. Handbook of Self-Regulation of Learning and Performance. Routledge.

• Polyvagal Institute (2024). Introduction to Polyvagal Theory.

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Life can feel heavy at times, especially when stress, uncertainty, or low mood start shaping the way you think and act. At Equal Psychology, we see these patterns as your mind’s way of trying to cope and protect you.

Our approach to therapy focuses on understanding these patterns and developing practical strategies that fit with everyday life. We combine structure, support, and evidence-based techniques to help you move toward lasting wellbeing.

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Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice. The content is intended to support general wellbeing and personal growth, but it may not address specific individual needs. If you have mental health concerns or require personalised support, please consult a qualified healthcare provider. Equal Psychology, Equal Breathwork, Reflective Pathways and its authors are not liable for any actions taken based on this information.