Why do adults with ADHD feel like different versions of themselves?

Many adults with ADHD build different identity layers to cope with environments that did not support their needs for choice, competence and connection. These layers protect them but can feel disconnected from each other.

Why does feedback feel so personal for people with ADHD?

Feedback is often linked with acceptance in childhood. When evaluation feels tied to belonging, even gentle comments can trigger old patterns of threat and rejection sensitivity.

Why do people with ADHD rely on pressure to get things done?

Many adults with ADHD learned to act only under urgency because pressure was the main structure they received. This creates a pattern where stress becomes the cue for focus.

What causes the 'shoulds' that many adults with ADHD carry?

These 'shoulds' come from expectations taken in through pressure rather than choice. They often feel rigid and do not reflect personal values, which creates identity strain.

How can adults with ADHD build a steadier identity?

Identity becomes steadier when people build small wins, make choices that reflect who they are and connect with others who offer acceptance. These conditions support integration and help reduce identity fragmentation.

ADHD and Identity: Understanding Identity Struggles in ADHD

Matthew Hallam
4 days ago
4 min read

Updated: 2 days ago

Many adults with ADHD live with a quiet uncertainty about who they are. This is not because they lack identity. It is because their identity formed in environments that did not always understand them or give them room to grow in a way that matched their needs. Research in motivation science shows that identity develops best when people have space for choice, competence and connection (Deci & Ryan, 2017). When these conditions are missing, identity can become scattered.

If you have ever felt like your personality is made of coping strategies rather than choices, you are not alone. These questions show up in therapy, in late-night searches and in private worries people do not always express.

This article explores the questions that matter most.

Why do I feel like a different person in different parts of my life?

You learned early in life to adjust yourself to each environment. School needed one version of you. Home needed another. Work may have required something else. You built these versions to stay safe and connected. They developed in response to environments that did not always support autonomy, competence and relatedness, which are core conditions for identity integration (Deci & Ryan, 2017).

These versions are not false. They are protective. When identity forms in pieces rather than as a whole, the result is a set of fragments that do not always feel connected. This is not a flaw. It is a common response to environments that asked you to behave in ways that did not match how your brain works.

Why do I get defensive when I do not want to?

Parts of your identity developed under pressure. They formed through what SDT describes as introjected expectations. These are “shoulds” taken in through pressure rather than genuine choice, and they are linked to higher anxiety and unstable self-worth (Deci & Ryan, 2017). When someone touches one of those pressured areas, you protect yourself fast. Your reaction is not about the comment. It is about the older pressure fused to that part of you.

Defensiveness is a form of protection. It is a response to parts of your identity that were shaped in conditions that did not allow you to grow with freedom or security.

Why does gentle feedback feel so personal?

Feedback was not neutral earlier in life. For many children with ADHD, feedback was tied to behaviour, and behaviour was tied to acceptance. SDT research shows that when relatedness feels conditional, even mild evaluation can feel threatening (Deci & Ryan, 2019). Your nervous system learned to treat feedback as a signal that connection might be at risk.

This pattern continues into adulthood. You are not choosing to overreact. You are responding to old associations between evaluation and belonging.

Why do I struggle to know what I actually want?

Years of correction can drown out your inner voice. When adults direct your behaviour at every turn, your internal sense of preference has little room to form. SDT notes that autonomy, which means acting for your own reasons, is essential for developing a stable sense of identity (Deci & Ryan, 2017). When autonomy is blocked, you learn to prioritise what others expect rather than what you prefer.

Your desires were not lost. They were overshadowed by years of pressure to behave in ways that felt “right” to others.

Why do I rely on pressure to get things done?

Pressure was the main structure you were given. When correction, consequences and urgency are the only signals that others understand, your brain learns to rely on stress as the trigger for action. SDT research shows that when behaviour is regulated through pressure rather than internal choice, people become more dependent on external cues and less able to sustain motivation on their own (Deci & Ryan, 2017).

This is not a lack of discipline. It is adaptive learning. Your system built itself around the support it received.

Why do I carry so many “shoulds” that do not feel like mine?

You carry “shoulds” because you internalised expectations without being given the conditions needed to integrate them. SDT describes this as partial internalisation. It produces behaviours that feel pressured, rigid and tied to self-worth, rather than behaviours that feel chosen or meaningful (Deci & Ryan, 2017). These “shoulds” sound like your voice, but they do not feel like your values.

They disconnect you from your preferences and make identity feel like a list of obligations rather than a sense of self.

Bringing the self back together

Once you understand these patterns, your story shifts. You stop seeing yourself as flawed. You start seeing how your identity formed in environments that did not meet your basic psychological needs. SDT research shows that identity becomes coherent when autonomy, competence and relatedness are supported over time (Deci & Ryan, 2017).

Identity becomes steadier when your choices reflect who you are. Competence grows through small wins. Relationships that feel safe rebuild connection. Your preferences start to emerge. The fragments link. You begin to feel like one person. Your reactions soften. You respond rather than react. Your motivation stabilises because it comes from your own reasons rather than old pressure.

Identity becomes something you can live in, not something you have to perform.

Reference

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2017). Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness. Guilford Press.

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Living with ADHD often means carrying an invisible load, and we see these patterns as your brain working hard in its own way.

At Equal Psychology, our approach focuses on reframing ADHD and supporting the development of practical strategies that align with daily life.

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Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice. The content is intended to support general wellbeing and personal growth, but it may not address specific individual needs. If you have mental health concerns or require personalised support, please consult a qualified healthcare provider. Equal Psychology, Equal Breathwork, Reflective Pathways and its authors are not liable for any actions taken based on this information.

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