Supporting Someone with Anxiety: Understanding the Balance of Care

Matthew Hallam
Apr 23
4 min read

When someone we care about feels anxious, our first instinct is to help. But helping isn’t always about doing more - it’s about finding the right balance. The best support helps people feel safe and capable at the same time.

Why Is Balance Important in Support?

Support works best when it helps people feel confident - not helpless. You can think of it like walking beside someone across a bridge. You’re there for them, but you’re not carrying them.

This kind of support is called “autonomy-supportive” - it encourages people to stay in control of their choices while still feeling cared for (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

This kind of balance helps the brain feel both safe and empowered. And that makes it easier to face anxiety step by step.

How Does Over-Protection Impact Recovery?

When we rush in to solve everything, we may accidentally make anxiety feel bigger. Over time, this can send the message that the person can’t cope without help.

Psychologists call this “accommodation” - when loved ones change their behaviour to protect someone from anxiety. While it’s well-meaning, research shows it can make anxiety stick around longer (Lebowitz et al., 2013). It removes short-term stress, but also takes away chances to build confidence.

What Does Effective Support Look Like?

Good support doesn’t mean doing everything - it means being there in the right way. This might include:

Being present without taking over
Listening without rushing to fix
Noticing what’s going well, not just what’s hard
Offering care without sharing the worry

This kind of emotional support has been shown to improve wellbeing in both the person with anxiety and the person offering support (Feeney & Collins, 2015). It builds trust, safety, and connection.

How Can We Support Without Enabling?

We all want to be helpful - but it’s easy to cross the line into over-helping. Support becomes unhelpful when we take away chances for the person to face their fears.

Instead, we can:

Set clear boundaries about what we can do
Encourage small steps forward
Let the person try things on their own
Take care of ourselves so we don’t burn out

Research on family accommodation shows that when parents or partners pull back from overprotective behaviour - while staying warm and supportive - it can help reduce anxiety over time (Norman et al., 2015).

What Role Does Understanding Play?

It helps to know that anxiety isn’t just about fear - it’s a protective response. The brain is trying to keep someone safe by avoiding uncertainty or discomfort (Barlow, 2002).

When we understand this, we can offer support that’s compassionate and calm. We don’t need to fix everything - we just need to stay steady and kind while the person learns to face their anxiety.

How Do We Balance Care with Independence?

Balanced support means offering help without taking over. Some ways to do this include:

Asking, “How can I support you right now?”
Celebrating small wins (even if they seem tiny)
Reminding the person of their strengths
Letting them make choices, even when it’s hard
Keeping your own routines and boundaries

This kind of support helps people grow and feel cared for. It creates space for independence while still showing love.

Key Takeaways:

Support means being present, not taking control
Too much protection can make anxiety worse
Understanding anxiety helps us respond with care
Setting boundaries protects everyone’s wellbeing
Small steps forward matter—and they add up
You don’t have to do it all. Just walk beside them.

Conclusion:

Supporting someone with anxiety is about more than being kind - it’s about being thoughtful. When we understand how anxiety works, we can offer support that feels steady, kind, and empowering. We’re not trying to rescue someone - we’re helping them rediscover their own strength.

References

Barlow, D. H. (2002). Anxiety and its disorders: The nature and treatment of anxiety and panic (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). A new look at social support: A theoretical perspective on thriving through relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113–147. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868314544222

Lebowitz, E. R., Woolston, J., Bar-Haim, Y., Calvocoressi, L., Dauser, C., Warnick, E., & Leckman, J. F. (2013). Family accommodation in pediatric anxiety disorders. Depression and Anxiety, 30(1), 47–54. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.21998

Norman, K. R., Silverman, W. K., & Lebowitz, E. R. (2015). Family accommodation of child and adolescent anxiety: Mechanisms, assessment, and treatment. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, 28(3), 131–140. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcap.12119

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and wellbeing. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

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Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice. The content is intended to support general wellbeing and personal growth, but it may not address specific individual needs. If you have mental health concerns or require personalised support, please consult a qualified healthcare provider. Equal Psychology, Equal Breathwork, Reflective Pathways and its authors are not liable for any actions taken based on this information.